23 August

Dear Friends,

Over the next few weeks, leading up to our Courageous Conversation on 14 September, I thought it might be worthwhile to share a few ideas about what it means to enter into conversation with others. This is the first of these reflections.

In the introduction to the Record this week, I mentioned the Archbishop of Cape Town’s reflection on what he calls Indaba: “a Zulu word describing a journey of slow discussion on controversial matters with the aim of furthering community life, not just solving an issue”. I will not repeat everything I wrote there, but I do want to return to how remarkable this phrase is. Our goal in the church is not simply to solve an issue. At least, that is not the first thing. The first thing is that we talk to one another in ways that deepen our life together. Can we speak with one another in ways that strengthen our community? And how might we do that?

I once met someone, Adri-Marie van Heerden, who likes to say, “How we gather matters”. Her point is that whether we come together for Bible study, a community meal, or choir practice, each gathering counts. Every time we face one another in a circle, in that little microcosm during our busy lives, we are already practising what it means to live in God’s kingdom. Sitting together, she says, is like a small gymnasium. It is where we learn new ways of speaking and listening that reflect God’s new world. In this small circle, the power dynamics of our everyday lives are there: some speak more loudly, some more fluently, some with more education, wealth, or knowledge and so on. If gathering is to reflect the radical equality of God’s kingdom, it must also challenge these patterns. This is where her phrase, “how we gather matters”, becomes interesting:

First, she says, being present is what it is all about. They say, “the presence is the present”. When we meet, we offer our time and attention. We practise what Brian Welsh calls “being with”, those often awkward but holy moments of really seeing one another.

Secondly, she notes that we need to declutter these spaces. Our lives are filled with distractions: phones, tablets, agendas etc.. We know the feeling of sitting across from someone whose phone is on the table. Even if it does not ring or buzz, its being there alone signals the possibility of interruption. In our gatherings, can we learn to create moments that resist interruption and moments where we are fully present?

Thirdly, she points out the role of body language and eye contact. I once read a study suggesting that if two people look into one another’s eyes for four minutes, they may fall in love. I cannot say whether that is true, but we do know that connection is embodied. It is not only an exchange of words, but something lived in the body.

Fourthly, she reminds us to speak from our own perspective. In faith communities, we often slip into vague or defensive language: “people tend to…”, “you know they say…”, “everyone knows…”, “it’s always the case that…”. What if we spoke more personally and, perhaps, more vulnerably: “I think…”, “what I feel/ experience is…”? That way, we take responsibility for our words and own what we say.

Of course, we could add many more examples, but the point simply is: how we gather matters. To enter into Courageous Conversations is to open ourselves to formation, to allow the Spirit to guide us, and to meet people where they are. And when we dare to sit together intentionally, we may see the kingdom of God taking shape in our midst.

Marius Louw